you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
