I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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