my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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