Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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