You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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