I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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