who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
