After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
