she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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