I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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