Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize