I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
