Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
