He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
