just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
