mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
