I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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