I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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