So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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