and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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