I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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