College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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