I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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