3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
