you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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