My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
