i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
