in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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