sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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