He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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