FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
