Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
