I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
