Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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