I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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