nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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