Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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