A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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