When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
