someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
