Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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