I hate all girls vehemently.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize