There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
