if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize