fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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