he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I could make wine with my vomit
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
