I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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