Cold hands, warm shart.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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