I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
