I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize