Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
