DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
