mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Randomize
