I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
