Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
