and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
