I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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