can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize