4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
