Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
