You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
