ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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