I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
