how can u be prego again
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
