The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
