He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize