Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
