Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I skipped work to stalk him.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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