im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
