someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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